so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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