he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
