A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
