thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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