Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
