Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
