I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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