True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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