Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
