I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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