I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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