Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
