We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
