I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
