So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
