Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
