Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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