note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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