before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
