I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
