hotel room ftw
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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