Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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