Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
