Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
