So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
