so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
