Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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