She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
