At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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