God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
