so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
try to milk me bitch
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
