we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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