My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
