i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
