im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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