I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
