dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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