I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
