nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
