So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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