Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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