update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
