I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
