M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
