New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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