My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize