Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
