He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
