Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
