I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
