wakey wakey hands off snakey
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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