My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
