I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
