Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
