you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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