Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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