Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
