My nipple is on Facebook.
Plan B is the new Plan A
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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