What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
