everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
