Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
