I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
